Something Happened

S!gh… after being cyberologically dead for a (very) long time, a drastic dose of inspiration has hit me:

New Delhi, India.    

I would first like to issue a warning to those of you who are planning a trip to the mentioned area anytime soon enough to remember what you read here: DO NOT READ THIS. Move to the next interesting thing.

To those of you who are thinking of going but have not decided yet, READ THIS AND BASE YOU DECISION TO GO ON THIS POST AND THIS POST ALONE.

When magazines tell you about the dirt, smell and dust of the Indian cities it all sounds very romantic. You can feel it right? When you actually see it, smell it and get it in your eyes, the only thing you want is to be boarding the next flight home. Because?

1. The dust is everywhere. It's in the street, inside the car, between the pages of your book and under your well-dressed-and-highly-made-up friendly Indian girl's nails. There is no escaping it. Two hours in an enclosed place and the soap won't bubble in the shower cus you're so dirty. It's even on your plate and your glass. It floats on your water and dissolves in your tea. It paints the city a ghostly grey-and-brown. The trees are ashen, and it has nothing to do with the fact that it's winter. It's like being in a cobweb. You don't want to sit in it and do nothing, so you struggle to get away from it, but the more you struggle the more in smothers you. You're literally breathing it, and sometimes even tasting it.
2. The people are dirty. This is not a figure of speech. True, 15-degree weather doesn't prevent the girls from baring their cleavage and half their legs, and friendly conversations are carried out in the form of light humping, but they are literally dirty. When you look at somebody, you need to just look at them in the face, be duly inspired by their beauty and not look further. Unfortunately no one gave me this advice. From the khol on the eyes to the rings on the toes is a HUMONGOUS transition in hygiene levels. The average female toenail is 2.5cm long, chipped, painted pink or green at the bottom and bordered by a 0.3cm thick line of dirt at the top. People don't change their clothes. I'm serious. And the smell of stale sweat follows 70% of the population. Note; I am not talking about street-hawkers and beggars. I am talking about college kids and professors.
3. The food is disgusting. As my unfortunate friends who accompanied me on this trip will bear witness, Indian food in Sri Lanka is the real thing. It must be. Seems the average Indian's inability to distinguish between 500g and 0g of salt (or any condiment for that matter) in 500ml of curry has chased all decent cooks and chefs out of the country. Rice is boiled for four hours so all flavor is absorbed by the water, then the water is thrown out. Vegetables are boiled in water until they reach a semi-solid consistency and then allowed to cool before serving. Meat and fish are rare, and when available taste like vegetables anyway. Eating habits are similar to those of monkeys and crows, and exercising etiquette will guarantee you no food, and when you have food, no eating. Some pointers:
   1. Buffet queues do not exist. Run your eyes over the available mashes; pick one, run for it. Start eating from the dish itself.
   2. If you are very particular and have to serve your food on a plate, then go for the paper plates. That is of course unless you just love that taste of stale oil mixed with dust and the saliva of whoever it was that ate from that particular plate last.
   3. Eat a lot of gravy (colored water mixed with vegetables from last nights' left-overs) so you don't have to drink water.
   4. If you really need to drink water, then drink straight from the filter or your hand. Chances are 1 to 99 that'll be cleaner than a glass.

Urgh, I'm sleepy and bored. Chances are you are too, considering the levels of creative-genius I've displayed in my writing skills…

More on 'Gods own country' later… whether you like it or not.